so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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