So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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