my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
