Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm both gender and math confused
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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