Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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