i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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