were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
