after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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