I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
