kristin has been a bad kristin
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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