"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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