please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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