I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
