I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
