Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
