I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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