the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
