The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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