I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
