chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she looked like the before picture.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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