Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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