does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
