Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
