the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
