dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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