There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
