dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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