I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
