i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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