Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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