i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
