I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
