The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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