Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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