it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
