If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
