We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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