Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
