I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
