omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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