I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
well most of my day revolves around power hour
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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