You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
