Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
