During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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