My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
