I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
