i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the day after is always just damage control
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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