Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
