It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
