just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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