I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
