i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
