I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
